Loving You is a roller coaster
Dear Source of my reality,
I don’t even know Your Name – but I feel You deeper than anything I know.
You are my reality – my make up, and all that ever was, is or will be. You tell us You love us and we should love You, but loving You is a roller coaster.
Why couldn’t You have made it just a little bit easier? I mean, I know the answers – about how giving us the opportunity to have free will requires us to be pulled 50/50 in equal and opposite directions. About how growth is only possible in an environment where we have resistance and opportunity to evolve. I’ve learned all about Your higher mercy and I’ve learned the secrets of why and how You created the world I’m in – but loving You is a roller coaster.
I even know why I need to go through ups and downs and ins and outs and everything in between, but sometimes when I do, my emotions and anxieties can take over. At times when I tax myself hard and push physically to follow the path You set before me, I come up against moments of excitement, fear, optimism and let down – You drag me through the whole spectrum of emotional experience.
Sometimes You spoon feed me, and sometimes You dump bounty on my head – it sometimes feels like it makes sense, and other times I’m in the dark. I have feelings of clarity and inspiration, and feelings of anxiety and frustration – loving You is a roller coaster.
You give me gifts of exhilaration through Your kindness and then temper it with Your judgement – and I can’t keep up with You – it seems You’re always one step ahead. I know I’m planting seeds, and I know I’m experiencing fruits from past grows – but loving You is a roller coaster.
The thing with me, my Benefactor, my Maker, is that I just wanna do Your will, but have so much of my will that I’m still so attached to. You take me high and low, and all I want is to be with You in joy. I know it can be done because I’ve seen it – and I am asking for another major free gift from You.
Please take these words as an expression of my complete teshuva (retuning to You). I give my life to You publicly, even though I’m nowhere near ready to be tested at this level. At least I know the truth, and I share the truth, and I ask that You have special mercy on me and line my path with an extra dose of kindness – the basic kind of kindness that I can see. Help me purify myself completely so that I can transform into a pure channel of You in this world, and bring me to the heights of joy in the process.
I know about all the sages and the major tests and struggles they endured, and still do, on behalf of Your nation – I’m not at their level – I watch and learn from them in complete awe.
Well, my Master, my Friend, my Love, my Creator, I give my life to You. I’ve figured out the only way I’m happy is when I’m bound to You and fulfilling Your Divine utterances and commandments.
I fear You so much, and I love You more.
And I know that behind everything that happens to me, there You are communicating to me.
Please help me see it more clearly so I can serve You better, and please do so in a way which brings me massive success in all I endeavor upon – massive health for all who I pray for – massive abundance for all who I work with – and complete unity for Your nation and all of humanity.
Your humble servant,